


hot stuff

by starlight_sugar



Category: Campaign (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 02:50:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11637381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlight_sugar/pseuds/starlight_sugar
Summary: Okay. Tryst has a magic dick. (A Sex Criminals AU.)





	hot stuff

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fusion AU with the Image Comics series [Sex Criminals.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_Criminals) Because there's only so many times they can say "Tryst Valentine, Sex Criminal" before this fic is brought into the world. (@ the cast of the show: if you end up reading this, I'm... I'm so sorry.)
> 
> By nature of the AU, this fic is fairly NSFW. They talk about sex and dicks, like, a lot, and there is a single (non-explicit) scene with masturbation.
> 
> Also, this is technically canon-compliant. Technically.

Okay. Tryst has a magic dick.

And the problem is, when you say things like that as a pick-up line, it sounds… well, it sounds like a pick-up line, and a pretty bad one at that. It doesn’t sound like a sincere sentiment. But no, Tryst has an actual magic dick, and what’s more, he hasn’t met anyone else with a magic dick. So he’s stuck with the best true pick-up line in the galaxy and nobody who will believe it.

Tryst is in hell, basically. But at least he’s in hell with a magic dick.

 

#

 

The thing is, it’s hard to talk about sex when your older sisters are determined to view you as a kid forever and your parents pretend not to hear you when you ask questions. This means that young Tryst Valentine learned everything he knows about sex from  _ completely _ reliable sources, like loud tourists in cantinas and questionably-sourced holos that turn up in Watto’s market. With information sources like that, it’s only natural that some things fall through the cracks, right?

So Tryst is home completely alone for the first time in weeks, with one of those iffy holos, and for the first time in his young life, he’s in the fresher doing what horny teenagers do when they’re home alone. It takes maybe fifteen seconds from start to finish, and he feels good, and then the world freezes. Completely freezes.

“Whoa,” he whispers, because it’s  _ cool as hell. _ People say that time stops during sex, but he always thought it was some kind of poetic garbage. But the world is perfectly still, and all the noise from outside has stopped. Maybe orgasms are actually magic. No wonder everyone talks about sex all the time. The world is quiet, and there are lights swirling around him, and there’s light from between his legs, and--

Tryst looks down. His dick is definitely glowing.

“Maybe that’s where they got the ideas for lightsabers from,” he says. His voice is echoing in the flat air, and it’s the second most uncomfortable thing about this whole situation. After, well, his dick glowing, and he’s not really sure what to do about that.

He puts his pants back on, and walks around the empty house for a while, and moves a couple of jars around, and finds out that apparently datapads don’t work post-orgasm, which is maybe the worst news a teenage boy could get. And the afterglow wears off eventually, and the clocks start working again, and Tryst figures, okay, that’s what sex is like. Good to know. Mystery solved, et cetera.

But he keeps finding holovids of porn. Time never freezes in the holovids. That’s his first clue that maybe this isn’t what sex is like.

 

#

 

“Heyyyy, Vous-Vous.” Tryst plops down next to her on the couch. “Got a question.”

Rendezvous barely glances at him. “No, I won’t take you bounty hunting with me, you’re only a kid.”

“It’s a sex question,” he blurts out before he can second guess himself.

She turns to stare at him, slowly, in a way that probably means he’s about to die. “Don’t we have parents that you can talk to about this?”

“Did you want to talk about this with Mom and Dad when you were my age?”

“Fine. You get one question. One single question.”

Tryst pauses, sorting through all the important things. He can guess some of it himself, like how long it takes till time unfreezes, and some of it doesn’t matter, like where the lights come from. Maybe there’s just one question worth asking. “Does your… does, uh-”

“Trystan.”

“Does your dick glow,” Tryst says, a little louder than he meant.

Rendezvous stares at him for another couple sentence before pinching the bridge of her nose. “Is this a lightsaber joke? Is that what you’re doing?”

“It’s a legitimate question,” Tryst protests.

“I really don’t think it is.”

“So that means your answer is no?”

“No, my dick doesn’t  _ glow _ during sex.” Rendezvous shakes her head. “Next time you have a question about how dicks work, ask Dad. Kriff, Tryst.”

“Come on, Vous-Vous,” Tryst starts, but she’s already getting off the couch. He sighs.

Okay. Maybe the dick-glowing is a problem.

 

#

 

Except… it’s not a bad problem to have. Maybe a little awkward in one-night stands, but he’d hazard a guess that those would be awkward anyways. It’s like he has this built-in way to get a couple of extra hours of sleep. Get some extra light in a dark room, if he needs it. It’s not foolproof or anything, but it’s something.

And it’s convenient for stealing, which is the kind of thing Tryst wouldn’t admit even if anyone else knew that he could magically stop time. Never anything big, of course, a few credits here and there, some extra food if they really need it. Enough to screw over Watto, occasionally, but only when he’s feeling extra spiteful.

The whole “sex criminal” thing on the business cards isn’t on purpose, but he laughs till he kriffing cries when he finds out that’s what they say. It’s the three things he does the most, all rolled up into one: sex, crime, and crime via sex.

 

#

 

They’re flying away from Tattooine, from everything Tryst has ever really known, when Grizelle looks at him and says “Is there anything special about you?”

“Anything special about me?” Tryst snorts. “I’m Tryst Valentine.”

“And I’m Leenik Geelo,” says Leenik, “but I don’t think that’s what she meant.”

“Special abilities,” Grizelle says, a touch impatiently. “Things you can do.”

“Fly ships,” Tryst offers. “And I’m a pretty good haggler.”

Bacta sighs. “Anything else?”

Tryst thinks about it. This is as good a way as any to test the waters. “My dick glows when I have sex.”

Leenik makes a retching noise. Bacta sighs again, with a lot more weight to it this time. Grizelle is radiating disappointment. Tryst decides that probably means none of them know what he’s talking about. “Listen, if you don’t believe I’m that good, I can’t help you guys-”

“Moving on,” Grizelle sighs, and thankfully, they move on.

 

#

 

Between Mandalore and Phindar, after a bit of the shell-shock wears off, Neemo starts asking questions. Mostly to Lyn, because she probably has the best answers, but he asks the rest of them questions all the time, too.

“How can you fly for so long?” he asks Tryst at one point. They’ve fallen out of hyperspace long enough that Tryst has to navigate some nasty space debris, and has been navigating it for hours on end.

“Because I’m just that good,” Tryst scoffs. He definitely sneaks off for bathroom breaks and rubs one out and takes a nap, but that’s for him to know and nobody else to make fun of. “Good pilots don’t need breaks.”

“Wow,” Neemo murmurs. “What else can you do?”

Leenik says, perfectly casual, “Tryst has a glowing penis.”

“Tryst has a  _ what, _ ” Lyn says flatly.

Tryst wriggles around in the captain’s chair to glance at Leenik. “I didn’t think you’d remember that!”

“I listen when you talk,” Leenik says. “And I remember when people say crazy things. That’s a pretty crazy thing.”

Neemo takes an uncomfortably scrutinizing look at Tryst’s crotch. “Does it glow all the time?”

“Obviously not, only when I have sex.”

“Trystan,” Lyn says, obviously disappointed, “don’t lie to Neemo.”

“I’m not lying to Neemo!”

“Really?”

“I don’t know why you’re coming after me for this, Leenik is the one who brought it up.”

“But you’re not denying it,” Lyn says exasperatedly.

Tryst shrugs and takes the ship around one particularly large piece of debris. “Why deny the most unique thing about me?”

“Things can’t be more or less unique than other things,” says Leenik.

“You’re missing the point,” says Lyn.

“So does it actually glow, or are you making fun of me?” says Neemo.

Tryst groans. “Alright, new rule, I’m the only one allowed to talk about my dick.”

“Normally you’re the only one who wants to,” Lyn mutters.

“Then I guess today isn’t normal, Lyntel,” Tryst says, and the cockpit falls into merciful quiet for another minute, and then-

“What color does it glow?” Neemo asks, and Tryst says “just white” before he can help himself, and then Lyn is yelling again. Which is, to be fair, probably a reasonable reaction to Tryst breaking his own rule.

 

#

 

And then, in a hotel room on Phindar, overlooking BHIKKE-

“Wow,” Tryst says, staring up at the ceiling.

“You weren’t so bad yourself,” Aava agrees, crossing her legs. “You’re glowing, by the way.”

Tryst looks at his dick, and then at a definitely not-frozen Aava, and says, “You’ve got to be kriffing kidding me.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to talk to me about how this is definitely canon, about how Rendezvous is definitely trans, or about how great this show definitely is, you can find me on both Twitter and Tumblr over at @waveridden. thanks for reading!


End file.
